I really loved the poem at the beginning of that chapter Dakosha, very nicely integrated with the feel of the story. I also liked how straight away you've placed the reader inside the character's mindset with the use of tone and grammar. The only thing I would suggest would be to space out the paragraph over more lines, especially when the parentheses go on to different thoughts (you can tell I just finished an English exam, can't you? :P)
I want to know what happens next! Especially the progression of Sienna's character... and what's outside the window! :D All in all, another amazing piece of writing :)
Well, weather's hitting hard, and icky days come with. The story may be stopped for a while, havnt been in the mood to deal with poor Sienna's problems. This poem may give u an idea why.... *sigh*
The Chains of Depression
Winter comes,
And as snow falls,
A blanket covers,
All the warmth in the earth,
Till it’s hidden from sight,
And forgotten in mind.
Till we’re suffocating,
Beneath a layer of ice,
Trying to see through,
To the brightness we need,
But our sight is distorted,
And everything looks cold.
A frozen world,
In a time when the sun is needed,
To clear away all the fog in our minds,
And free us from the chains of depression.
Still we know,
One day the sun will shine,
And burn away the fear,
That clouds our mind,
And hides the beauty in this world.
I love winter and all, but some days.... its not good. :(
Anywyas, i hope you guys liked the poem, pls tell me what u think of it!
*hugs* beautiful writing. I understand...
Oh, more story.... And another lovely poem to boot! Once again you show wonderful ability to express complex emotions in words.
On the names side of things, for Alyss/Alicia/Eliza/who (LOL) I thought you could play a little with the fire idea. IC already has a character named Ember, so you might want to pick something a little different, Amber perhaps. Of course, you could pick a name you like and just spell it differently. Elaynor instead of Elenor etc. My two bob. ;)
Mystic Ward
12 years ago
Mystic Ward
Twentyfamilies Gypsy
I can share those feelings with you. Writing them out is a good way of coping, so I'm glad you are able to do that.
12 years ago
Sat Mar 03 2012, 11:53pm
A new chapter! Finally!! lol, i also have another Chapter after this one. However... i'm having some problems with the poems. I kind of have it written, i'm just having a problem with the perfecting it part, lol. I also don't know if i want to split it into other chapters (cause it covers more of the story than the specific chapter i made it for). Or add on to it... i don't know, lol. I'm thinking i'm just gunna write down the poems as they come, then place them later, whe i have more of the story figured out.
Anyways, here's the next chapter. Sorry about gyping you on a poem! lol
Chapter 4
Disapppeared to Prodders.
Thanks for reading, pls tell me what you guys think!
It's beautiful. The imagery is just wonderful. I love reading your writing, it takes me out of this world and transports you somewhere else. I love it. :)
12 years ago
Sat Mar 03 2012, 11:54pm
Hee hee, Word weaver of the month award!! Awesome!!
Anyway's, i figure it's time for the next chapter...This is actualy my last rdy chapter, i shall have to work on it some more...Anyways, i've been writing more poetry! (which is why i havn't been writing story, lol)The poetry will be coming soon!
Chapter 5
Vanished to Prodders.
Again, no poem, but like i said earlier, that shall be later. When i cna figure out where i want all my poems ot be, lol.
As always, i appreciate hearing any comments you have, whether good or bad... if their bad, just tell me how you think it could be fixed. Thanks for reading!
I just had pizza for dinner. Now you have gone and made me all hungry again. Very descriptive. I guess I had better go raid the kitchen again now.... :rolling:
Really interesting and mysterious, Dakosha. You've got some great descriptions in there. Looking forward to the next installment :).
Wow, thank you guys!!
Well, like i think i said earlier, i don't have any more chapters.. but i have more poetry! lol
I'm working on a collection... Want a look?
Love is Bi-Polar
If This Was A Movie
If this was a movie,
We would be standing side by side,
Not looking back,
To the mistakes we shouldn’t have made.
If this was a movie,
We might have fought,
We might have cried,
But we would always be together.
If this was a movie,
We would have been happy,
But this isn’t a movie.
It’s just life,
And life isn’t perfect-
But who said love was, either?
Everything
I gave you everything.
I trusted you with my secrets.
I allowed my walls to fall.
You took my love,
But I didn’t mind.
I gave you everything.
Anything you asked,
Was my wish
But you didn’t care.
I gave you everything,
Freely and lovingly,
But you tore my heart to shreds.
You threw my secrets to the wind.
You left me naked,
Unprotected.
Scarred.
I gave you everything.
Now I’m broken,
And you’re the one to blame.
My secrets will never be trusted to another.
My walls will never crumble for another.
My love will never be with another.
I will never live again.
Was I ever living?
What I did for you,
Could that be called living?
Could that be called love?
I gave you everything,
And you gave me nothing.
Now I’m just a broken shell,
Of the person I don’t remember.
I’m waiting to disappear.
I’m waiting to be forgotten.
‘Cause I’m already dead,
I just keep breathing.
Screaming I Love You
I always thought the rain was beautiful,
But after seeing you standing there,
In the pouring rain,
Screaming “I Love You,â€
The rain looks so much dimmer.
You’re shining in the rain,
You’re shining for me.
You screamed “I Love You.â€
How can I not let you in?
We fought,
You left.
Now you’re here...
You’re screaming “I Love You.â€
You’re screaming “I Love You.â€
Suddenly I’m out the door,
I’m in your arms.
We’re both drenched with the rain,
But I don’t care.
I have you.
You’re whispering to me,
“I Love You.â€
If you ever need me to,
I’ll scream it,
I’ll scream “I Love You.â€
I Love You.
A Fight For Our Past
Outside it’s warm and sunny,
But in this house it’s cold as ice.
We can’t speak,
We know what’s coming.
The goodbye’s scare us,
But so does this silence.
All we do is look.
I stare in your eyes,
Searching,
Just searching for the answer,
But neither of us have it.
We’ve lost this battle,
And we’re not sure if there will be another chance,
Another chance to save ourselves.
We don’t even know if we’re willing,
Willing to try once more.
Suddenly you turn,
You’re out the door.
Without a word.
You are gone.
This moment feels final,
Though I hope with all my heart it’s not true.
It can’t be true,
Not now,
Not after so much.
No…
All I do is watch.
I don’t run after you,
I don’t cry,
I don’t scream.
I can’t.
Even if I know I should.
I’m going to regret this,
But I just can’t find the words,
And you’re already gone.
Already gone,
And so am I.
We didn’t have the heart for another,
No, not another battle.
We gave up.
We regretted it,
But we couldn’t change the past.
The past changed us, though.
That's all i've got for now, i'm gunna put in some of my past poems... then i'll have my first actual collection, instead of just a bunch of single poems. *Cheers* Tell me what you guys think, and thanks for reading!
Beautiful. Left me in tears, literally (better make sure I don't get my laptop wet). I felt that Everything and a Fight for our Past were really well written. I guess they are just so close to my own emotions of late. [act]*hugs*[/act]
Thanks Thalia!
New poem! *cheers* not sure if it's going in the collection.... it's more of a song.. ya, i'll figure all this out later.
It’s All A Lie
Walking out, I
Don’t look back.
Your yelling after me, but
It’s all a lie.
‘Cause we’ve been through this, so
Many times.
Now I’ve learned, I
Can’t turn back.
‘Cause if I do, I’ll
Just breakdown,
And cry.
You’ll come towards me,
Drag me back.
It’s the,
Same old cycle,
I can’t get out.
I’m in the car now, can’t
Show no fear.
You’re on your knees, you’re
Begging please.
It’s all a lie.
‘Cause we’ve been through this, too
Many times,
I know I’ve learned, I
Can’t turn back.
‘Cause if I do, I’ll
Just breakdown,
And cry.
Can’t breakdown,
And cry.
I’m driving off, your
Left in the dust.
Now I know, I
Can’t come back.
It’s all a lie.
‘Cause we’ve been through this, so
Many times.
I know I’ve learned, I
Know I’ve cried,
But now you’re gone, and
I’m set free…
It’s all a lie.
‘Cause we’ve been thru this, too
Many times.
Now I’ve learned, I
Can’t turn back
Cause if I do I’ll
Just breakdown,
And cry.
It’s all a lie.
I can’t breakdown,
And cry.
No, I can’t breakdown,
And cry.
It’s all a lie.
Pls, tell me what you guys think... and thanks for reading!!!
12 years ago
Thu Jan 05 2012, 01:06am
I like this a lot, Dakosha. I can almost hear music to it- i get a rhythm when i read it.
The alternating repetition of
‘Cause we’ve been through this, so
and
‘Cause we’ve been through this, too
is very effective.
Thank you Hannai! I havn't tried this rhythm before, usually if theres a comma, its the end of that line, lol. it was interestig doing it this way, i wasnt even sure it would work.... glad it does! thank you!! :)
It definitely works!. I think writing it in this disjointed way is very effective, given the turmoil in your speaker's mind.
New poem... im not sure it works just the way it should... comments? ideas?
Writing
Writing is like weaving,
A blanket,
For someone else.
Writing is like painting,
A picture,
For someone else.
Writing is like making,
A thing of beauty,
For someone else.
Yet, writing is not weaving,
Or painting,
Or making.
No, writing is not weaving,
Yet we weave the words,
Into a thing of comfort.
Writing is not painting,
Yet we paint a picture,
Into another’s mind.
Writing is not making,
Yet we make emotions,
For others to hold on to.
Writing is creating,
Creating something amazing,
For everyone else-
Who cares enough to read.
I don't know how you intended it to work, but it works for me. I'm really enjoying these short, disjointed lines in your poems. Not a wasted word in there. Thanks for creating yet another amazing thing for me to read (to misquote some wonderful writer or other; can't quite remember who :P ).
I like your poem Dakosha. It really seems to capture the essence of writing, and to me sounds just fine the way it is.
I love your poetry! I really connect with them :p Don't change them, nor the way you write.
12 years ago
Tue Jan 17 2012, 11:50am
Wow, thaks for all the wonderful comments! So, i started on one poem idea, and.. well, the thought i had progressed, into this poem:
We’ve been best friends
Since the beginning
Of time itself.
Why did that change?
I can’t think of a day
When you weren’t there
To keep me smiling.
Why did you leave?
It was just one fight,
But it ripped apart,
That friendship we once had.
Will we ever speak again?
I want to hear your voice.
I want to know your thoughts.
I want to say…
Do you love me?
Yet, somehow I know,
It’s going to be ok.
I love you.
I love you,
And somehow I know…
You love me too.
However, i need a title!! pls help. BTW, i hope to write the original poem idea i had, too... more trying something new, lol. i'll post it when/if i write it. Thanks for reading!
I hate giving names to things and characters, so can't help you out with a title, sorry! I loved it though, as I do all your work. I found this poem comforting; thinking of having a relationship so secure that even after a major falling out, you're confident things will work out in the end. Thanks for sharing :).
Your poem makes me think of two birds who fly together and intwine and become one. (By the way, don't you think the less common spelling of entwine is more aesthetic?). It is lovely and uplifting :)