Love it Hannai! :D It's got a real beat to it. I can also imagine it as something that a beat poet might perform. :nod:
Well written, and I love the message behind it. :nod: Good job.
Wanderer Guilden
14 years ago
Wanderer Guilden
Mage
i love it too! i think its the short, sharp lines that make it so well-done, and i can totally imagine a beat poet performing it too... i was actaully thinking that before i read the other comments :P
oh, and cha for ellipses!! [act]pumps fist in the air[/act]
Thanks guys! Its nice to know someone else loves their ellipses! I think i may also overuse my !!! but hey... I dont want to be too perfect right? ;D
So this is something i started way back in march and only recently finished off... Im not really sure if i like finished product or not.
His Love
His love for her is like the sun,
It warms him from within.
her presence is his summer,
her joy the source of light.
His love for her is like the ocean,
Were she the very moon.
Tides of feeling flow within him
Moving with a gravitational force.
His love for her is like a tree,
offering shelter and protection
she rests briefly in its shade
relieved by its soothing nature
His love for her is like a river
with a steady constant flow
Yet she longs for the rapids
White waters and adventure
His love for her is like the rain
The steady even drumming
Of a tropical monsoon
Washing her away.
omg hannai I love "this love" it's so beautiful and has such wonderful imagery!
Wow, that is beautiful Hannai! :D I agree that the imagery is very vivid, and it's a beautiful and effective use of launguage. I love the idea behind it, too - his love being so deep and powerful, but her love doesn't match his. They're in different places, wanting different things, And she's not looking for a long-term commitment, whereas he is. (At least, that's what I thought it was about, but I might be wrong. ~:| ). Either way, great job. :)
Wanderer Guilden
14 years ago
Wanderer Guilden
Mage
very beautiful as always hannai ;D av said everything that i thought the poem was about, so i don't have much to say on that topic.
but its very good, i love it :nod: :D
it is definately word-weavery
wow, thanks guys!
I really wasn't sure about the ending.
It was inspired by a friend of mine, who's been in love with this girl as long as I've known him but it never seems to work out for them.
Mystic Ward
14 years ago
Mystic Ward
Twentyfamilies Gypsy
I didn't think the ending quite fit the rest of the poem hannai. The start and middle are very uplifting and then you're left with ... nothing. ??? Don't know it just doesn't quite flow right to me.
I guess thats a little bit the point though Deb, theres all this potential and feeling but in the end nothing changes... its not utilised so its meaningless.
So I've been a little AWOL of late- heres something new though!
Hero
Beaten, bruised and broken
Struggle to stand on shaking feet once more
Another blow knocks you to the ground
Dirt fills the open wounds
Still you fight for those who despise you
Spewing hate, lies and hurtful words
If you could save the world
Would you dance for them?
Lift your crippled body
From the floor?
Is there nothing you will not give
When all has already been taken?
Would you dance for them still?
Wow Hannai, I realy like that. It really makes you think about the people who do go through those sorts of things. Nice job
I think that is a really great poem Hannai, it really does capture the concept of strength and endurance.
14 years ago
Thu Apr 29 2010, 09:43pm
Thanks guys!
Heres one I wrote over the weekend, and while its overtly a "god poem" It also makes me think of how many things we delay or deny ourselves because we are waiting for something, be it ourselves others or a situation to change before we act instead of going for it and making those changes happen...
Forgive the run-on sentence, its late... or early.
Come As You Are
I turn around
Hide my face in shame
When you look my way.
How can you want me?
In the stillness
Or the rushing winds
Your voice sounds
“I know you child; come as you areâ€
How do you know me?
The dark past I hid so well
How can you know
And call me still?
He said “I love you
Come as you are
Inside and out
I know your heart.â€
I can’t, not like this
Stained and imperfect
Let me hide, let me heal
Become worthy of you.
“Child you’re not listening,
Let me say it again:
Come as you are
With your scars and your flawsâ€
“In me there is healing
Let me raise you up;
Let me lead you and guide you
Just come as you are.
All I can say to that is WOW! that is very powerful as Ded said. I don't know what else to say but you made my night a happier one :)
Thanks guys, Im glad it made you feel good!
Ok, so this isnt really a poem, but i wouldnt really call it a story either. I wrote it as response to the 15 minute fiction word 127
Forgotten.
In a forgotten corner of a dusty attic a stuffed bear sits in the bottom of a box filled with toys.
Once it was a beloved companion, carted everywhere in the arms of a small child. Hours of play, adventures and make-believe dirtied its fur and loosened some of its stitching. Yet the more bedraggled the bear became, the more it was loved.
Few now remember the bear’s name or even its existence. Many years ago it was packed away with other childish things and left in the attic to gather dust with the other relics.
Dust motes eddy in the beams of afternoon sunlight, slanting across the floor from the tiny dormer window. The light illuminates the frame of a small bed leaning against the wall. Standing next to the frame is a tiny dresser and an equally tiny set of draws. Along with the box they are all that remains to testify of the child that once lived in the house below.
A few precious reminders of a tiny life. Items too dear to give away, but too burdened with memories to be seen downstairs.
Over the years the moths eat away at the teddy bear, until it crumbles away into nothingness
Mystic Ward
14 years ago
Mystic Ward
Twentyfamilies Gypsy
Very powerful imagary. Not bad for something done in 15 minuts. It can be taken so many differnent ways.
I was doing a little 'housework' in my writing folders, sorting and organizing. Heres a little piece i wrote last year but never did anything with.
Decision
Sometimes its easier not to believe;
In fate
In love
In life
In anything at all
Sometimes its simpler to be deceived;
By fate
By love
By life
By anything at all
So what’s your decision,
What will it be?
Are you going to die on your feet
Or live life on your knees?
14 years ago
Fri Mar 05 2010, 02:04pm
Wow that's really something Hannai :-"
I like it.
I think the repetition makes the whole thing work. ;D
And then the end just makes you think. :)
Overall its just a really great poem. ;D
I wrote this while I was on a trip in the far north of SA.
It came to me while my group were singing at an aged care facility on the friday night.
One Day Soon
Though life is full of trouble
And when I’m all alone
I’m alright because I know
One day soon
I’m going home.
When I’m lost and struggling
I might not know the way
But its ok,
It will be all right because
My Jesus is coming
One day soon
To take me home
Take me home,
Take me home
I don’t want to be here anymore
Lord take me home
Sometimes I despair
I cannot see your face
Yet I know
Beyond my doubt
You are there waiting
Preparing so one day soon
You can take me home
Short but new- less than an hour old in fact
Take a bow.
Take a bow
Take a bow
You must be proud
You’ve got the whole world fooled now.
Take a bow
Wave to your fans
Smile wide in your victory.
Take a bow
Never let them see
The nothingness behind your eyes
Take a bow
You’ve got the whole world fooled now.
Hannai: HElloo?? [act]voice echoes around empty thread[/act]
Oh well. This is new, not really about anyone specific, the man is just a way to refrence everyone other.
I would absoloutly love some feedback good or bad on this!
Time
I’ve grown and I’ve changed
Yet I’m still the same
As I’ve always been
I don’t know you anymore
You’re not the same
Yet you’re the man you’ve always been
It pushes and pulls
Laughter and tears
Rhymes and cliché
It tears us apart
Yet leaves us just
As we’ve always been
Cant slow it down
Cant stop or rewind
Speed it up or hide
And the only things
More inevitable than death
Are life and
The passing of time
Love your poems Hannai. You are choosing excellent choices of language to portray your message and give the reader a visual representation or clear description. Well done. :)
Mystic Guilden
13 years ago
Mystic Guilden
Mage
I love Time Hannai. So very true, and so beautifully articulated :)