14 years ago
Wed Nov 04 2009, 03:13pm
Well I am just going to post up random stories/song lyrics/poems I wrote and well as the occasional 15 minute fictions.
Here is my second rather rough copy of the fan fiction.
Could you give some feed back on honestly whether you like it or not and any errors and such I missed in my quick editing?
Thanks to Deb, Sionainn and my mother I have fixed it up
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I lent my head against the screen. Here I am in the middle of nowhere. The dust was swirling up with the wind and the air was hot and dry. I could see a couple of the other farms near me, the town hall. If you think this is your awesome country town where everyone knows everyone. Well you are wrong. This place is hot, and although everyone knows everyone we keep to ourselves. Even the animals seem to hate it here It is so dry and sticky.
I had woken up late today so it is going to be a harsher day then usual. I walked out of my door in resignation. Brander, my border collie, at my side looking for all the world annoyingly happy.
I mean this town has its good times but I have not had a lot of success here. My dad died not that long ago and mum is too ill to do anything a little cooking and cleaning. I find it hard to think of them so I don’t. My dad was a happy man, loved his wife and daughter no end and always managed to make ends meet.
I tramped out over the dry dusty ground and it swirled around my feet like little spirits playing as I moved. I watched it quietly looking as a breeze blow dry and hot on my face. It reminded me of when I was eight years old when I went to help dad out on the farm that day and he told me in a gruff voice, as I complained about something to do with this deranged place, that the desert has its own magic. And all I have to do it find it. I smiled at the memory with a deep sadness filling me.
I dwelled in that near forgotten memory for the rest of that day as I moved the cattle. And by the end of the day I felt surprisingly better. Here I was in the middle on nowhere; only it was my perception on nowhere. This place had a charm I had no seen and a harshness that satisfied the soul. The rugged terrain telling of adventures and a life yet to be lived and recorded it the earth. That the dessert posed a kind of on hidden romance, so secrets here in the dessert. Accept it or reject it. I Accepted it!
three weeks later I saw a car pull into the town and three yrs later I was married with the most wonderful person in the world.
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Mystic Ward
14 years ago
Mystic Ward
Twentyfamilies Gypsy
DT, have another go at editing. You've got mixed tenses and some fairly obvious mistakes; word missing here and there, then instead of than.
Okay, thank you. I am not the best and spelling nad tenses (I have dyslexic tenancies) But I will go through it again. This time backwards.
*dpm*SHHH
alright I have this semi-love story I am writing about two teens by the one by name of Helena but more commonly know as Helen (She is princess and has been leaving with a lady called Betty after the over throw of her parents kingdom); Luke, who is handsome, gentle caring and loves Helena. He is suspected magic person who works the elements especially the wind.
Helen sets out to find her twin sister and a long the way meets Luke. She falls in love with him and tries to hide it thinking that he of all people could not love her.
Something must happen here :>> She gets taken and is turned evil.
>>She rejects Luke in every way and he leaves and she goes to find him again
>>She finds her twin and she dies (which she will anyway) and Helena near kills herself from grief
>>[act]Any other things that could go wrong[/act]
Conclusion like thingo: they confess to each other and live happily for now.
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I wish to involve a whole theme around dreams and the power of the mind. At some point I will have some thing happen to Helen where she must retreat into her mind. :-/ well it needs working on.
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if you want to add stuff and/or change it please feel free to do so :)
Thanks guys, I fixed it up :D
Here is my rather grim simple conversation between and man and a woman
Sorry about the long post
“The world is falling apart…†There was a heavy sadness in that sweet female voice
“No, not the world. Man is falling apart. He smothers the earth- it is a miracle it has survived as it has for so long.†His gentle voice added to what she said, changing it slightly.
She nodded, “We think of the future in terms of shinning cities, with trains running on near non-existent tracks, hover cars and most of all – no poor.â€
“Yet the way we are going there will be no bright future.†He sighs.
“People are waiting for it to happen like that!†she clicks her fingers to illustrate, “ Who is starting the ball rolling?â€
He nods his head sadly, his eyes thoughtful and full of worry, “We are also waiting for someone else to start the ball rolling.†His voice takes on a desperate passion. “We believe we are free! We are controlled, we have no power despite what we think! Men, women and children simply live, buy, get sick , pay people and serve the corrupted authority is some way.â€
“Who are the ones in authority, the ones with the real power “ She knows something and waits for him to guess.
He gives her a quizzical look “Ahh the prime ministers and president and such like?†he is less certain now.
“No, even they have to go through somebody to have laws past; they are but puppets for someone else. We have little or no idea what goes on behind the scenes. These ‘powerful’ countries have the means and the technology to destroy every single person on earth†She pauses “ China could control the world, nearly everything is made thereâ€
“America can topple the worlds, they are like a central link and once it goes the rest of go or at least nearly do†He twitches as though disliking his analogy.
“They all have the methods to cause something like the Great White in Isobelle Caromdy’s Obernewtyn Chronicles….but I am not sure we would surviveâ€
“mmm..I wonder what is really researched in labs.?â€
She tilts her head asking without words for him to elaborate.
“Well like NASA- they complain about not enough funding, what do they do with the funding they have? Do they know more then they let on? And scientists- Are they researching worthy things? In their eyes maybe but in the eyes of the public I am not so sure. We barley know anything they are investigating ….â€
“Do you think they are finding more ways to brainwash us?â€
“I think they have all they methods they need. Like from early childhood we are watching carton and other kiddy shows. As we grow older we start to see more ads and they leave their imprint- I can remember ads from ten years ago- that is not the way it should be."
“And all the shows built around ads; and in the films we see flashes of an object one example I can think of it is at the beginning of movies there is a ‘film piracy is a crime’ short and I am convinced that they show pictures of jails and bars and such like amongst all the flashes .â€
He looks more excited now “And what about the words in songs that speak to the subconscious? You know like the kid how murdered his mother and they found his favourite song had the words backwards “kill your mother�
She shudders “I dislike anyone who can go to work and do those sorts of words into rock music ; I mean that is not the message the artist wanted to give out it is?â€
“Our minds and bodies are corrupted†He says in agreement
“We are nothing but pawns in a battle for power where power should not be given “ She gives a start “Ohh Lord look at the time- I have missed two trains!†She looks around wildly “Thank goodness there is one.†Standing up she thanks the man for their talk.
As she boarders the train she realizes she never asked the man's name. She takes a seat and looks back you where they had been sitting - he is no longer there having moved on with his life. One friend in a million willing to fight to the end! she thought to herself smiling.
Mystic Ward
14 years ago
Mystic Ward
Twentyfamilies Gypsy
Thats an interesting piece DT. Makes you think...
and wonder is what we are being told is what really happens
i (L) it
Dreamweavers' Guilden
14 years ago
Dreamweavers' Guilden
Rebel
that is a brillant piece DT! Good message behind it :)
14 years ago
Wed Nov 18 2009, 12:11pm
I am glad you guys liked it. :)
Edit: sorry about the missing words :-/
When I find my USB I will post up the introduction to my big time story that [act]gulp[/act] I want to publish. I have written 4 1/2 thousand words over chistmas and my hands hurt from both typing and writing.
Mystic Ward
14 years ago
Mystic Ward
Twentyfamilies Gypsy
Might not be a good idea to post anything you want to have published DT. Better to email to select folk for feedback.
Okay- Thanks Ded for the advice :)
If you want someone to read over it for feedback feel free to email/pm it to me DT!
Wanderer Ward
14 years ago
Wanderer Ward
Dreamscape Artist
Same here DT. I enjoy a bit of editing to while away my time :)
Thanks guys- My USB came back form its little escapade so I will PM you guys right no while I am here. :)
*dpm* shhh!
Well I have been really busy |:| so here is the result of my "new" work as I have put my other stroy on hold for awhile :P
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Meadows
The sun was shining, the meadow in full bloom and the air warm. It was perfect. I had invited some friends to come and have a picnic here and I was waiting for them. I sat and listened to the bees while I watched the butterflies flitting from flower to flower. It was all so quiet and peaceful: I felt calm and one with my surroundings. So wonderful! I knew it wouldn’t last, nothing like this ever does.
After a few minutes of having an opportunity to just “be†I heard people calling my name and laughing as they came. They are here: the afternoon has just begun
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Gypsies
Darkness was gathering, the air on the hill top was calm and warm. The grass was long but not too long. The fire was burning brightly and our guitars playing some rousing tunes. We were dancing, laughing and singing along to the tunes that had words. Everyone was having fun: the older ones were sitting and playing or singing; some clapping their hands in time to the beat, the children ran around laughing and playing, kicking up their heels in time to the music. Warm bread, fresh fruit and our best drinks were being passed around. I danced with everyone who came my way, my full skirt spinning and twirling and my scarves flying out behind me. If the night had been cold before it certainly wasn’t now.
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The World
When the world says you are sad,
Maybe that is when you are happy.
When the world says you are happy,
Maybe that is when you are sad.
When the world around says you are nothing,
You mean the world to me.
When the world around you says you are everything,
Maybe that is when you are nothing to everybody but yourself.
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I hope you like them- and some general feedback would be nice and if you notice any errors please let me know :)
I have another one but that is longer and i will put that up soon- it is my favourite :P
Mystic Ward
14 years ago
Mystic Ward
Twentyfamilies Gypsy
nice little bits DT.
The last line of your poem doesn't quite make sense to me though.
Thanks :)
I don't know how I can re-phrase it :/ I am trying to say that when the worlds tells you are everything (e.g famous, important) you really aren't and only you think you are. I don't know how to put that differently :|
Mystic Ward
14 years ago
Mystic Ward
Twentyfamilies Gypsy
MAybe use except instead of but.
I like them DT! I can't wait to hear the last one :P
All righty! here is my favourite one. Not entirely sure why and i would love to hear you honest opinion of what you think on it. :)
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Leaving
It was the night Shinobu and I would leave to face whatever awaited us across other worlds. Tonight was the last night we would spend together. I wore a soft cream voile dress that hung off my shoulders and flared outwards at the waist. We walked along the cliff top, towards the setting sun, hardly speaking. We were both sad and were content to simply be together.
We stood shoulder to shoulder on the high cliff top on one side of a large cove, watching the sun set and the clouds change colour. The hills on the other side had turned misty purple and the ocean colours melded from blue into purple then pink and yellow as it moved to the point where the sun had sunk into the ocean.
As I watched the colours slowly changed and grow more intense, I thought back to when Shinobu and I had first met. I remember it as though it was yesterday- we were seven. It was my first day at the new school having just moved here. “Akira, could you say something about your self to the class?†Mrs. Takashi asked. Obediently I stood up, embarrassed and shy, and introduced myself. I was so scared. I said everything too fast gabbling out: “My name is Akira and I like to play games and have snowball fights and I want to be a winged watcher when I turn eighteen.†Everyone was laughing except one person and the teacher had to ask me to say it all again. I felt very ashamed and focused on the boy at the desk in the middle of the classroom who had not laughed. When break came Mrs. Takashi introduced me to Shinobu, and after that day we were best friends. We had come a long way since then.
I became aware of the sunset and Shinobu standing so still next to me. By this time the colours were tinted with more blue. “The sunset is beautiful, Shinobu†I said quietly
“Not as beautiful as you are Akira.â€
I smiled and replied with a memory, “Remember at my ninth birthday dinner?â€
He was smiling too. “How couldn’t bring myself to tell you how beautiful you were? I tried several times and the words just caught in my throat.â€
“I was so puzzled, wondering what you were trying to say.â€
Thinking back I remembered how much had been unsaid between us. His family had soon moved to the city and I stayed behind rushing home anxiously after school to see if he had written to me. The next time we saw each other was during the summer holidays of our thirteenth year. He had convinced his parents to let him come down for a week and stay with a male friend. We went out for the afternoon together and that was the day, with much embarrassment, he told me how beautiful I was. It was another two years before we said we loved each other. Even with all the time away from each other we still remained best friends – we would always write to each other about our joys and sorrows, my fights with friends and his struggles-both of us cherishing our dreams to become winged watchers even though it would mean a small chance of ever seeing each other again. There was no one who knew us better then we knew each other.
When he was almost sixteen his family moved back to care for a sick relative and we both rejoiced as we could then spend time together. We went to school together spending every afternoon doing homework together.
These thoughts brought me back to the present.
“Shinobu, remember the night we said we loved each other?â€
“Yes I remember that†He squeezed my shoulders. “And not much has changed since then either.â€
We both looked at the sky, darkening now with intense shades of plum and golden yellow. Turning around I saw the moon had risen, like a huge pearl, and hung low on the horizon. Shinobu turned and looked also. Both of us felt the words unspoken between us, the feeling that has no words to describe it of happiness, sadness, awe and a desire to hold on as well as release.
As we turned back he said, “I will need to leave soonâ€
I didn’t want to face the truth so I hugged him, put my arms around his neck and held onto him burying my face in the base of his neck. “I will miss you Shinobu but you will be forever in my heart.†I felt immeasurably sad.
Leaning his head against mine he whispered something in my ear I didn’t catch and as I tilted my head up to see his eyes and ask him what he said his eyes locked onto mine: in his eyes was the most intense look I had ever seen and all words dies on my lips as his mouth closed over them. In this kiss I put everything into; it was my best, my most passionate kiss. He pulled me closer to him. We both had put our best into that kiss, conveying what neither of us had words for. As we broke apart he said with a passion, “And you in mine.â€
That was the last thing we ever spoke to each other. We began to walk and as we walked two men materialised and then all of us faded into the gathering night. And as we were heading through the curtain of our world into another we separated, maybe never to see each other again.
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Sorry if there is paragraphing issues- when I copy and paste it I loose most of my paragraph spacing :/
Mystic Ward
14 years ago
Mystic Ward
Twentyfamilies Gypsy
Its a good story. There are a few issues with words not being the right tense for the sentence which I'm sure you'll pick up if you have a close look. The kiss paragraph needs a bit of work as well.