Hi all,
I have often written a lot of poetry. I thought this would be a good place to get some of my work criticized, and hopefully someone can motivate me to actually finish one or two of the poems. Please feel free to criticize and explain what you do/don't like.
Anyway, enough of that and onto the poems....
Thalia
I'll begin with a poem I wrote around this time last year. Seeing as it's the only one written up at present it seems to be the obvious choice.
Imprisoned
I'm trapped
Behind thick walls of glass
And forced to watch
As others pass
Through a chink - a loophole
The outside world I seek to clasp
But for reasons unknown to me
I am forced to loose my grasp
Forced to retreat
My mind slams shut the open door
Locked once again within myself
Imprisoned by iron bars once more
13 years ago
Fri Jun 10 2011, 08:17pm
That's a really good poem, Thalia!! I really like it. When you write poems, do you try to put some format to it, like having the same amount of syllables or something? I always try to do that, but it never works out.
The only criticism I have is how in the first verse there's glass and pass rhyming, and then in the second verse there's clasp and grasp, and they all have kinda the same sound...it doesn't really matter, but when you read it it's a bit....I don't know just sounds funny. But I think it's still fine.
Is there any particular reason why you wrote the poem? Does it have a hidden meaning?
I'm not really sure to be honest. I was kinda depressed the day I wrote it, but it never had any meaning other than that life seemed less real than books or something.
I do often try to get all the lines to have the same number of syllables. But being a self professed perfectionist this means I am pretty much doomed to never finish.... I am currently working on a poem with ten lines per verse (as a change from my usual four) but have yet to make it past the first verse. X:-/
Dreamweavers' Guildmistress
13 years ago
Dreamweavers' Guildmistress
Dreamscape Artist
I like it Thalia. The simplicity and rhythm works well :)
13 years ago
Tue Nov 09 2010, 08:35pm
I just found my notebook from last year. I wrote a lot of short poems, so I'll post a few here.
The Value of Life
Life is like a silken thread
Twixt razors blades of fate
No-one understands its worth
Till it's over, gone, too late
Can someone tell me if I used the correct it's/its please? I can never remember which is which....
Midnight Ocean
The Ocean in the night
Inky blackness deep
Ripples of moonlit light
Lull the world to sleep
I wrote that about this time two years ago. Fishing at night gives you strange ideas....
Why
Resounding silence
The only reply
to the ageless question
Why? Why?
Stormy Petrel
If I were a bird
I know what I'd be
The great stormy petrel
Wild and free
Herald of storms
And bringer of woe
Bane of all ships
In the ocean below
Omen of terror
Symbol of doom
Rejoicing in lightning
And thunder's wild boom
Okays, I'll change it then. Thanks for that....
Your poems are really awsome. And ya, i get its and it's messed up to.
just rememeber, it's = it is, the ' = the i in is.
make sense?
Anyways, cant wait to see more of your poems!!!
13 years ago
Wed Nov 10 2010, 12:49am
I enjoyed Stormy Petrel as well. It really got me thinking about the free spirited tenacity of a soaring bird. Thanks for sharing it.
13 years ago
Wed Nov 10 2010, 06:42pm
Thanks for that smuppet. It's a good tip Dakosha, so I'll try and remember it [act]crosses fingers[/act] LOL
This one is more of a song than a poem, but still.... Any help with the end is greatly appreciated!
Snakes and Ladders
The higher you get
The further you fall
So I start to wonder
Why climb at all?
Life's a game of snakes and ladders
Go back to the start
Life's a game of snakes and ladders
Playing havoc with my heart
I only get nowhere
Running circles round and round
The higher I go
The bigger gap to the ground
Life's a game of snakes and ladders
Go back to the start
Life's a game of snakes and ladders
Playing havoc with my heart
Why bother trying harder
To get to the top
The further I stretch
The greater the drop
Life's a game of snakes and ladders
Go back to the start
Life's a game of snakes and ladders
Playing havoc with my heart
Yes, well, anyway....
Wow i can imagin it as a song! I like it!
Thanks! ;D Any ideas how to end it?
Dreamweavers' Guildmistress
13 years ago
Dreamweavers' Guildmistress
Dreamscape Artist
I like it Thalia. Since it's a bit of a song, perhaps you might consider writing a bridge of some sort? I often find that that finishes songs off nicely, followed by a chorus repeat.
Mystic Ward
13 years ago
Mystic Ward
Twentyfamilies Gypsy
Wow so much to catch up on. Love it all. My only sugestion is why? why? why? The extra why evens out the flow.
Wanderer Ward
13 years ago
Wanderer Ward
Dreamscape Artist
Thalia, I love Snakes and Ladders! :D And I have to agree, it does seem like a song. I admire you, I'm so awful at rhyming poetry :P
I really love all of the peoms. I particuarly like your snakes and ladders poem. Like the other's I could see that one as a song. But what i REALLY like about your poems is the simplictiy of them and then the imagery you've created. Can't wait to read more. :D
You are all so helpful (L)
I like rhyming poetry, but it can be annoying. I spend all day trying to write a verse, only to give up at 11pm. Then just as I am falling asleep, I just seem to hear the first verse of another poem appear out of nowhere. I'd never remember it till morning, so I get up, write it down, and go back to bed. Then I think of another verse, and another.... And I wonder why I am always so tired? LOL
Creativity can be fun, but is also a pain. I wrote a short article about that last year, I'll have to see if I can find it for you guys.
I found a few more poems on my computer. I hope they make sense, as not all are finished....
Fifteen Pines? (unfinished, fragment)
Fifteen pines
Standing tall 'gainst azure sky
One by one I greet them
As swiftly I pass by
Glimpses seen between the trees
Of water blue and bright
Dotted round the islands
Yacht sails glisten white
Then through latched gate
And unlocked door
Into the shadows
I am home once more
Australia (unfinished)
Land of plenty
Land of contrast
Land of famine
Drought and flood
Land of blue skies
Land of green trees
Land of dirt as
Red as blood
Land of beauty
Land so empty
Land of hope like
Verdant bud
Land of promise
Land yet untamed
Land beloved
Australia
Flag Poem (unfinished)
Flag of my home
Thy secrets share
My thirst for knowledge sate
The Union Jack
Our British past
To prodigy relates
The pristine star
Its seven points
Our territories and states
Yet five more stars
Our southern sign
A cross on heaven's gate
Flag of my home
Thy banner blue
One with our nation's fate
Timber (unfinished)
The leaves fall,
Tree quail
Branches snap
Wind wail
Trunk shivers
Limbs crack
To the steady sound
Of the axe's whack
The tree fails
Branches quail
A painful crack
A moan floats back
From that cold wet day.
This one was written just after those last horrible bush fires down in Victoria.
Bush Fire
Staring out the window
Black clouds are approaching
Over hill and gum tree
Their shadows are encroaching
Watching intently
As an orange glow
To the steadfast heart
Gives a fearful blow
To stay or go
They now must choose
But either path
Their life may loose
Most choose to leave
And yet a few remain
A last stand to save their homes
Their hopes, though, are in vain
A dread path for the leavers
Between two walls of fire
Those who chose to stay behind
Now feel the funeral pyre
Many make it, many don't
To safety from afar
Those who survive have no idea
Where their loved ones are
And so they wait
For news, for hope
Many get it,
Many wont
So as time passes
They rebuild
Their lives, their homes
With hope and grief are filled
Forever they'll live on
Within our memories
Those who died, were scarred for life
By tragedies like these
This one was writtem for an english assignment. We had to write a poem about war, using the example of Dulce et Decorum est.
Age Old Lie
Enlist! Enlist!
We need you!
The young, the strong
The bold, the true
Save your country
Save your friends
Rejoice - this adventure
In glory ends
So they were called
And so they went
Countless men
To their deaths were sent
Mothers, sisters
Daughters, wives
Concealed their tears
Said their last goodbyes
Fateful Yellow Envelope,
Bringing words of dread
We regret to inform you....
He cannot be! Not dead!
Killed in action
Oh, fateful attack
Grief runs rife
The world looks black
Gazing on in silence
Watching the world pass by
'This is the war to end all wars!'
Hopes soar, wither, die
Well-wishers come calling
Try to ease the pain
Yet all the while are praying
They will not go through the same
The war goes on
Enlistment starts again
Killing those who come
In answer to the refrain
'For one's country
It is sweet to die'
Once again
That age-old lie.
The unfinished ones mostly need polishing, or to be given an actual end. The fragment(s) are random verses I made up, in need of a beginning, end, and a good deal of sandpaper....
I love all your poems, Thalia, especially how the short stanzas express so much visually! :) The most recently posted ones make sense to me; you captured the feelings of the events/things you wrote about very well. Keep up the brilliant work! :D
Dreamweavers' Guildmistress
13 years ago
Dreamweavers' Guildmistress
Dreamscape Artist
Thalia, they're all amazing, especially the unfinished ones, and I'd love to have a read of them when you finish them- I'm sure they'll be even more amazing :)
Mystic Ward
13 years ago
Mystic Ward
Twentyfamilies Gypsy
Very nice. I really like the flag poem.