*A strange scratching sound*
*An odd squeaking*
*A scream of pain*
*A twinkle of fairy dust*
A plain and barren field, only pure silence, punctuated by these few meagre sounds, echoing out across the wide open plateau.
*The scratching continues*
*A grunt*
*More squeaking*
Miniature Model of a Scandinavian Elephant Who Sings a Line From a Popular Musical Every Second Sentence: THEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE'S NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS LIKE NO BUSINESS I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*A large part of the earth falls away as The Miniature Model of a Scandinavian Elephant Who Sings a Line From a Popular Musical Every Second Sentence emerges, singing with gusto, from a hole in the ground.*
Miniature Model of a Scandinavian Elephant Who Sings a Line From a Popular Musical Every Second Sentence: EVERYTHING ABOUT IT IS APPEALING!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*A hedgehog jumps out of the hole. He is tied to another who follows, and another. They are all tied together into one long string.*
Hedgehog 1: Everything the traffic will allow!
Hedgehogs 2 and 3: Nowhere can you get that special FEELING!
Hedgehogs 4, 5, 6, 7, 8: As you are STEALING that extra bow!
Miniature Model of a Scandinavian Elephant Who Sings a Line From a Popular Musical Every Second Sentence: THERE'S NO PEOPLE LIKE SHOW PEOPLE! THEY SMILE WHEN THEY ARE LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!
*The Fairy Godmother flies out of the hole, overtaking the ever expanding string of dancing hedgehogs. She is carrying a toothbrush. With a mouth*
Fairy Godmother and her toothbrush: Even with the turkey that you know will fold!!!
Hedgehogs 87-234: You may be stranded out in the cold!
*A Giant Two Headed Newt digs its way out of the hole. A crumpet with only one leg is riding on her back.*
All: Still you wouldn't change it for a sack of gold...
*A lanky, ginger haired fellow, dressed in what was once a respectable suit emerges. His face is hideously scarred*
Personification of the Themesong From Titanic: AND MY HEART WILL GO ON AND OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!
*silence*
Personification of the Themesong From Titanic: Well, I'm not in a position to sing anything else, am I. I can do the chorus.
Voice of The Lady: YOU (To whit: The Themesong) bloody well will not, or I will break your toes by means of extreme electrolysis and strangle you with the naughty parts of a moose!!!
Personification of the Themesong From Titanic: Hmm... what kind of moose?
*The Lady emerges from the hole. She is terribly well bred and exceedingly proper.*
Miniature Model of a Scandinavian Elephant Who Sings a Line From a Popular Musical Every Second Sentence: He ruined my big musical entrance. How do you solve a problem like Maria?!
The Lady: What entrance? That was an exit. I... hold on...
*she looks around*
The Lady: Oh, I say. We're in a play, aren't we?
Crumpet: I'm afraid so, Lady. And from the looks of things, we're back in Camelalot.
The Lady: How tiresome. I suppose we shall have to see that dreadfully plebeian Doctor.
*The String of Hedgehogs all shudder and move closer together*
The Fairy Godmother's Toothbrush: I don't think this is Camelalot, you know. Place looks far too barren.
Hedgehog 12: Where is all the turnips?
Hedgehog 94: And the pineapples on legs?
Hedgehog 47: And the loons?
Miniature Model of a Scandinavian Elephant Who Sings a Line From a Popular Musical Every Second Sentence: And the turnips? All I want is a room somewhere!!!
The Crumpet: But... there's the audience. They're reading this as we speak.
The Lady: Even more tiresome. We (to whit: all of us) shall be forced to perform for them.
The Personification of the Themesong From Titanic: Perhaps this is a flashback. We're in their past.
The Fairy Godmother's Toothbrush: How terribly metaphysical.
The Lady: So you (to whit: minion) are suggesting that are not in fact newly arrived in Camelalot, but have in fact just left?
The Crumpet: Of course! And now our exciting world tour can begin!!!
Hedgehog 18: Let's go to Paris!!!
Hedgehog 23: Narnia!
Hedgehog 134: The moon!
Hedgehog 704: The intestinal tract of a sheep!
The Lady: Why don't we let that shockingly ill-bred audience decide. The first reader to suggest a travel destination will be rewarded with the story of our visit there. Provide he and/or she asks in an appropriate manner, with nice punctuation.
I declare that the Lady should visit the second truck stop on the main route to Sydney and purchase herself a delicious meal therein.
Small Scandanavian Elephant etc.: Food, glorious food!
Hedgehog No. 14: Who'll help us cross the road?
Hedgehog No. 3.1415: We'll be squished!
Mystic Ward
14 years ago
Mystic Ward
Twentyfamilies Gypsy
I second that declaration!
Hedgehog No. 187: Can you second a declaration?
Mystic Guilden
14 years ago
Mystic Guilden
Mage
Hedgehog #18: Can you declare your question of seconding a declaration?
Ari-as-Girl Guide: I shall help you cross the road...once you purchase a generous amount of Guide Biscuits, which the Lady will need to pick up (on her way back from that truck stop) at the Guide secret headquarters in that secret location in Melbourne.
Hedgehog #44: But how will she find such a secret place?
Ari-as-Girl Guide: Why, Google Earth of course :)
Scene: A truck stop, the second one on the route between Camelalot and Sydney. Our band of merry adventurers enter from stage right, led by the Crumpet, sitting astride Flossy.
The Lady: Oh, how terribly bourgeois!
Trucker: Hello love, you lost?
Trucker 2: What are you doing out here in that ball gown.
The Lady: This, Sir (to whit: Trucker 2) is an evening gown!
Fairy Godmother's Toothbrush: Talk about ignorant!
The Lady: Well, we have to expect some severely plebeian society outside the confines of Well Bred Manor, I'm afraid. Themesong, ask them where we can get some sustenance.
The Personification of the Themesong From Titanic: We don't want to bother you, good sirs, but my party and I are anxious for our evening repast. Is there a purveyor of foodstuffs in this locale?
Trucker: Er... there's a Maccas.
The Personification of the Themesong From Titanic: Splendid. May your sons be fine specimens of manhood and your daughters good at calculus. Good day!
Fairy Godmother: Cheers!
Hedgehogs: Thankyou Sir...
*The Lady and minions proceed towards the McDonalds, while the two truckers stare*
Trucker 2: What was in that Big Mac?
Scene: Inside the McDonalds
The Lady: Oh, bother. We require some of that accursed currency business. I never bother with that. Themesong, you handle it. What sort of food do they prepare? I feel like caviar.
The Crumpet: Okay, Hedgehog 14, now's your chance. Read us that menu.
Hedgehog 14: Um... Big muck? Courter Ponder with chess. Courter Ponder without chess. Kaiser salad. Greek salad. Sunday? How can you eat Sunday?
The Fairy Godmother: With chocolate sauce?
*The Lady and Minions approach the counter*
Cindy: Hi, welcome to McDonalds!
The Personification of the Themesong From Titanic: Thankyou, my good woman. My name is the Personification of the Themesong from Titanic. My Mistress is The Lady of Well Bred Manor and these are my fellow minions. Allow me to introduce The Fairy Godmother, The Crumpet, The Miniature Model of a...
Manager: Oi!!! You can't bring that newt in here!
The Lady: Pardon me, Sir? Are you seriously suggesting that I leave my beloved Flossy outside, while I enjoy a meal. Such a thing is not to be borne, Sir!
Manager: No two-headed newts inside. We have outdoor tables.
The Fairy Godmother's Toothbrush: Let's not cause trouble. I'll take Flossy outside. Get me one of those Courter Ponders.
*The Fairy Godmother's Toothbrush leaves, leading Flossy by the collar*
Hedgehog 92: Does he want it with chess?
Cindy: What is your order, Sir?
The Personification of the Themesong From Titanic: Oh, my apologies for the momentary interruption, Madam. I wish to sample the Kaiser salad.
Cindy: The meal, or just the salad?
The Personification of the Themesong From Titanic: Yes, the meal. What would be the point otherwise?
Miniature Model of a Scandinavian Elephant Who Sings a Line From a Popular Musical Every Second Sentence: Happy Meal! We eat ham and jam and Spamalot!!!
Fairy Godmother: I say, you've updated a bit. Aren't you hip?
The Lady: I will eat the Big Muck, with a fries.
Cindy: What drink would you like?
The Lady: Oh, heavens above. A diet coke if you please. That sounds healthy. And the Hedgehogs can have Happy Meals. One each.
Cindy: So that's a Big Mac meal with diet coke, a caeser salad meal and... how many happy meals?
The Crumpet: As many as seems comically valid at the time.
Cindy: An infinite number of Happy Meals, then. Anything else?
The Crumpet: I will have the the Courter Ponder meal, and another for the toothbrush. We shall also have the diet coke.
Fairy Godmother: I will have this McFish Meal and I should like a Fanta.
The Lady: And an apple for Flossy.
The Personification of the Themesong From Titanic: I'll have...
*The Lady slaps him*
The Lady: You don't get food. You know that!
Cindy: That order comes to Infinite Dollars and Ninety Nine Cents. What would the hedgehogs and elephants like with their Happy Meal? Are they boys or girls?
The Crumpet: You can't tell? *sigh* The Miniature Model of a Scandinavian Elephant Who Sings a Line From a Popular Musical Every Second Sentence is male. The hedgehogs are half males and half females.
Hedgehog 83: Ahem!
The Crumpet: Except 83, who prefers to identify as gender neutral.
Hedgehog 830: Um...
The Crumpet: And 830, who is usually male, but is female on Thursdays and every third weekend. Today he is male.
The Lady: We will eat this while we travel. Where to next, good audience...
Hedgehog 17: Cool! I got a dinosaur! ROAR!!!
The Personification of the Themesong From Titanic: I really am quite hungry, Lady...
