Thanks guys. I'll do a super edit tonight probably. Thanks for picking up the tence issue. I had the horrible feeling that I had switched somewhere :P I'll just go over everything I've written tonight to make sure it is okay and to fix up any little things. Then I will write more. Thanks everyone:)
Another unedited little snippet. Darga; I apologise in advance for using the name Matthew. I swear it was already planned before I read you stuff ~:| . Any advise, thoguths or jsut general coments on this will be appreciated.
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“Good evening, Carling,†Aivon smiled playfully at me, “Do you want to come and play running with me?†The girl was practically bouncing up and down, her copper ringlets flying.
“Aivon, I am sure Carling has much more important things to do than play running,†her father said disapprovingly. How convenient of him to turn his dislike in me into something that appears to be to my benefit, I thought mildly.
Quite entertaining too.
Do you ever leave? Don’t you have Moon preparation or something? I thought in mock indignation.
Don’t you want me around? One minute you do and the next you don’t. Make up your mind!
I then noticed Aivon’s father looking at me strangely, clearly questioning my vague, absent expression.
“Yes, I must be off Aivon. I’m sorry. Maybe we could play another day. Good evening Mr Leigh.â€
Hurrying away from the little girl and her family, I decided to first go to the jam stall. I didn’t visit this stall very often considering how expensive jam was, but this was a special occasion. Clearly, I wasn’t the only one with the idea of spoiling their family the next morning. A small crowd had formed around the stand. Serving was the brown haired boy I had seen several times around the night market in the past. He must have been around fifteen; about a year older than I was. I headed towards the stand, moving in behind some tall, gossiping women. It took me a couple of minutes to reach the bench.
“Hello there. What would you like?†the boy asked politely.
“Do you have a small pot of blueberry jam?†I asked, standing on my toes to try and see the shelf. Being several inches taller than I was, the boy reached up and grabbed a pot off the ledge.
“That is 4 coppers,†he said. That was a lot of money. I handed over the coins and took the jar. It would be worth it when I saw my Ma’s face light up at the sight of this.
“Thank you,†I mumbled, about to head off when he called me back. Gesturing to who could only be his brother to take over the counter, he walked around the stall to face me.
“I haven’t seen you around here before. I’m Matthew, but people mainly call me Matt,†He said holding out a strong looking hand.
“Hello… I’m Carling. And, I have been around, you just haven’t seen me,†I tried to sound confident while I said this. I took his hand and shook it. He smiled.
“I saw you talking with Aivon and her Da over there. She seems to like you. Her father, not so much,†Matthew laughed. I blushed at this.
“Well, not many people do like me,†I mumbled before I could stop myself. Matthew’s body tensed slightly as I said this, but pretended he hadn’t heard.
And that is why you have no friends, except for Aivon of course. You’ll have to play running with her forever.
I chose to ignore this comment.
“Well, Carling. It’s nice to meet you, but I had better get back to the stall. We are very busy with Lyster tomorrow. Maybe I’ll see you around?†With that, he walked back towards the stall to serve a large woman with ruddy cheeks. Slightly flustered by this strange meeting, I let myself be bustled along by a group of children, until I realised I was heading in the wrong direction to my house. As I walked back through the market, I deliberately avoided passing the jam stall. This night had been too weird.
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If anyone has some tips on how I could distinguish Carling thought communication to Harloe, I would be happy to hear them. I can't put it in italics because that is Harloe. I think it is just a bit confusing for a reader.
It's alright... No-one calls my Matthew, Matt :D.
Jeez, everyone's going to think I'm stalking them tonight; my replies are up almost before you've finished posting your snippets :P. Sorry, it's just whenever I'm at a computer I always compulsively check emails and Obernet.
Anyway, back to your snippet. A very intriguing meeting... Does Matthew just like Carling (and, despite being a teenager, is mature enough to act on it straight away, unlike our own dear Rushton who took his own sweet time to translate his glowers into words of affection), or is there something else going on? It's interesting also that he doesn't seem to treat Carling with suspicion, the way so many other people do. Is he an out-of-towner?
Like the last snippet, your dialogue is good and your story's moving along nicely. I love how you're interweaving the ordinary (chatting with a little girl about playing, buying jam) with the extraordinary (chatting with wolves!). It works very well, and I think it highlights the struggle poor Carling has in trying to fit in with both worlds. Looking forward to more!
About Carling's communication with Harloe. I think it definitely needs something - it does feel a little surprising to see it in plain text like that. It's almost like she's just thinking inside her own mind, to herself, rather than to someone. But not sure what to suggest... Hmmm, perhaps you can use single quotes rather than double? Or is that a bit subtle?
Two small suggestions with the writing:
- 'his dislike in me into' - perhaps change to 'his dislike for me into'?
- '...Matt,†He said' - lower case 'H'
11 years ago
Thu Jun 28 2012, 10:52pm
I think you are handling the communication between the two quite alright as it is now. I'm not confused as to who is talkign to who or anything so I don't see any reason to change it. (Lol I see we differ here, Darga)
Also, I wouldn't worry about the name Matthew. I too share a character with that name, not to mention a few other with other writers here on ober as well. Matthew definitely seems to be the most popular thus far though. XD
I really like how adult Carling acts around everyone but with Harloe she is much more natural and childlike. It's a fun relationship.
11 years ago
Thu Jun 28 2012, 10:58pm
Thanks for picking those up, Darga. With the obsessive checking of Obernet, good to know I'm not the only one :D . My idea with Matt is that he's a bit interested, but then he will kind of see how distanced Carling is and get a bit put off by it. Plus he will have other people in his ear about how odd she is.
I have been thinking about the problem with Carlings thoughts all day. I'll give the single quotations a go and see how it works.
It's good to see you like the idea of the childish with wolf concept Sionainn. I thought I would add it and see how it went down with everyone. I thought it might demonstrate her maturity a bit more outside of the woods. I can't wait for tomorrow cause I get the whole day off to write. I will definitely get up another section up tomorrow. Yay! Progress. XD
Re Matthew. What Shonk forgot to mention was that IF you use that name, you have to make the character creepy. :D
11 years ago
Thu Jun 28 2012, 10:56pm
Another way could be to simply italicse both Harloe and Carlings thought conversations and then just treat it as normal dialogue, where italics are used for thought conversation and " for usual verbal dialogue.
EDIT: Hey, my Matthew isn't creepy!
Neither is mine! (Sorry, Vestie, borrowing your thread for a moment to argue about Matthews :))
Good idea about the italics. Makes more sense than my silly single quote idea. As an aside, a friend told me recently that apparently, in literature for the Australian market, you're supposed to use single quotes for dialogue, not double. Anyone else ever heard anything like that? It was certainly news to me - I'm using double ATM.
Loving the snippets Vestie.
A quick point on Carling's communication: to me it feels as though it works without the single quotes. I see it more as a case of she is just thinking to herself and Harloe overhears and resposds to some of it. it helps emphasise the fact that he has an animal mind rather than a human one.
On the other hand, I can also see that it might be easier in the long run to mark it. I guess you just need to see what works.
YES HE IS! So creepy I need capslock for emphasis.
And yes, usually, Australian publishing conforms to British standards and only uses single tags. Though there are few publishers that prescribe that you use them when submitting your manuscript.
I could make my Matthew slightly creepy. I'll think about the concept, but I also want to make him desirable, so I will have to make him creepy in a special way that doesn't mess with his awesome factor. Hmmmmm...
Oooh creepy and desirable . . . now he is sounding like an Ariel! [act]intigue[/act]
Minus the evil. ... I think.
Aww, not even a little bit of evil [act]holds two fingers open just a fraction[/act]
Hmmm, interesting about the tags. I'll do a mass update one day, when I finish.
My Matthew is awesome, desirable and not at all creepy. I've always wanted a guy with black eyes (sorry to my partner - I love you anyway, despite your lack of black eyes).
As for yours Vestie, I think you can achieve your aim by including a sentence similar to the following.
Drooling slightly, Matthew shuffled towards Carling. Leaning close to her, he sniffed her hair appreciatively. "You smell nice tonight," he said, slight flecks of spittle flying over to land on her pale complexion, as he reached out one hand to reverently touch her head.
Waddya reckon? Awesome desirable creepiness or what?!?!? I so rock!
I'm sure you'll want to use this verbatim, Vestie [act]waves hand airily[/act]. Feel free to do so; no attribution required XD.
11 years ago
Fri Jun 29 2012, 02:23pm
I'll keep it in mind, Darga... here is another snippet I wrote this morning. Hopefully it gives you a little bit more information about the Guide and the Lys.
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Now I had to face the less pleasant side of Lyster; the elections for the new Lys. The Lys was the supreme leader of the Guide and ultimately, every person in the town. Every year an election was held. All citizens over the age of twelve would receive a piece of paper carefully printed with the current Lys’ name then they would be required to deposit their “vote†in the election sack. We were required to be at the town square at 11:30 that morning. I had to prepare Ma for the event. The Guide was cruel to those who disobeyed in the election. Combing through my mother’s tangled, dark auburn hair, I wondered what the Lys would say today. Every year the old man gave a speech about the growth and power of the Guide and how great it is to join. Each speech had a slightly different angle, but it all came down to recruiting new law officers. Every year the Lys would also appoint one of the town’s children as a servant to the Guide to prove the power they held over the people. I had been lucky to escape Selection and I was now safe as I was over the age of nine, but it was the worst part of the day. I could remember that last year, a five year old girl had been chosen and her parents had tried to run with her before the law officers could take her away. They all ended up dead, besides the little girl, proving they would take her no matter the circumstances. Better for this day to be over, I thought sullenly.
“Once you have received your vote from a law officer, place it in the sack at the front of the square,†a burly law officer instructed us in a loud voice. People shuffled hopelessly towards the sack to place their vote. Dragging my mother along by her arm, I walked towards the law officer that was handing out the voting papers.
“Names?†he stated, clearly bored. I cleared my throat.
“Carling Kimber and Alainah Kimber,†I stated clearly. It took the man a moment to find us on the list. He nodded gruffly and handed us our voting slips.
“Come on, Carling!†Ma began to pull me along up to the sack. I knew we stood out and I tried to pull her back, but she continued to skip towards the front of the square. Dropping our votes into the sack, we were instructed to move into a group in front of the Lys.
“Welcome everyone, to the official celebration of Lyster. I am the Lys of the Guide, as you know. The Guide is the working force that keeps you all safe and it is us who uphold the law. Joining the Guide has many benefits, for example, your children are not included in the Selection, which will take place very soon. Another distinct advantage of the Guide is a higher standard of living offered to you and your family in the Guide region of the settlement. Law officers also receive an annual payment–†that is where I zoned out. So this year the old crone is demonstrating the benefits of becoming a law officer. Last year they had emphasised on how, by joining the Guide, you would be giving back to the community and how you would receive respect from the town. Clearly this didn’t pull a big enough crowd. My mother suddenly reached down to squeeze my hand tightly.
“We have selected the child to join the Lys servants for this Lyster. As you all know, orphans get put into work by the Guide; to serve the Lys and his family. But once a year, a child from the town is selected to show the community the Guide’s generosity.†The crowd snorted in disgust at the suggestion that the Lys takes the children at the communities benefit.
“The child’s family will receive small payment, mounting every year the child is in service,†the Lys raised his voice over the buzzing crowd. “Now, let the Selection begin.†At this the whole crowd fell silent.
“The child Selected this Lyster is Maeve Leigh,†a stony faced law officer announced. My stomach dropped. Aivon’s twin sister. The twins were the only people to enjoy my company. Maeve hadn’t been at the market yesterday, but she shared the fun attitude of her sister. I could hear Aivon’s crying and Mr Leigh’s shouting as the small girl was hauled up towards the Lys. Her hair, slightly darker than her sister’s, flew in the wind. I could now see Aivon, trying to follow her sister, but being pulled back by her father. Maeve stood up on the platform silently as the Lys called for the town to calm. As things slowly fell into a furious silence, I looked up to find a man staring at me. At this moment Ma looked up too. Then she screamed. Everyone’s looking at us now as I try to calm her down. I could see law officers moving in to quieten my mother. Looking back at the man, I realise he has disappeared.
“Ma, who was that man?†I ask her urgently. The law officers are coming closer and closer. Her response is indistinguishable under her shrieks.
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I hope it all makes sense. ;D
Oh, democracy at it's finest, Vestie! Love the "voting" system, and the attempt to brainwash the villagers by pretty speeches. It all hints at a rather depressing, cruel existence. What happens to the Selected children when they get older, or do we find out later?
I'm very curious about this mysterious man Carling and her mum have seen! All very intriguing.
You're creating a very dark and believable world here, Vestie. Can't wait for more!!!
Couple of small typos:
- 'emphasised on how' - remove 'on'
- 'takes the children at the communities benefit.' - change 'communities' to 'community's'
Also, watch your tenses again.
I had the horrible feeling I had done the tense thing again. Thanks for the fixy uppy things I have to fix. I'm gonna add more about the Selected children later. I also think I will re-write the bit where Carling and her Ma notice the man. I think it is a bit sudden, but I'll look into it later, I guess.
11 years ago
Fri Jun 29 2012, 11:35pm
Don't stress about it! Very easy to do when you're in a hurry to get the story in your head down on paper... Er, screen. It can all be fixed up later!
Anyway, can't wait for more snippets! Loving your story :) :) :)
I think I agree about the spotting of the 'man' being a bit sudden. It seems like it ought to be a very prominent event but it did kind of rush by, what with everything else that was going on at the time, but as Darga said, as long as it's down you can always go back and fix/change/whatever later.
Your 'voting' system though is definitely very amusing--I guess amusing probably isn't the correct word but corrupt governments and the like always amuse me for some reason (have I mentioned I'm somewhat sadistic yet?)
Do you actually know for sure which tense you want your story to be in, Vestie?
I was thinking past, but I keep doing a little bit of present and who knows what else. Once I reach my goal (10000 words) I'll read through carefully and fix all the crap up. That's the plan anyway.
Sounds quite workable! And I think past tense is the usual way to write things. I got a lot of questions when I started writing mine in present. And I've noticed that I'm thinking about my next book in present tense, too... Hmm, so weird.
This is off topic :D.
Regarding the man, yeah you could introduce him a bit more, but on the other hand, I thought it was quite effective how just one brief glimpse could provoke such a reaction.
And Shonk, you're an evil woman. IYou should strive to control your sadistic and blood thirsty tendencies, the way I so effectively do mine :P.
[act]Vestie hangs her head in shame[/act]
I haven't written anything for days! I don't even know if I can write tomorrow! Agggghhhhhh!
Exactly! Many more hours left in the night, Vestie :P. Sleep? Who needs it!??!