Mystic Guilden
12 years ago
Sat Feb 04 2012, 06:32pm
Mystic Guilden
Mage
This snippit is incredibly rough and inarticulate. I know what I want to get down on paper/screen, but it's just not flowing the way I would like it too. I think part of the trouble is that this piece gave me ideas for several different branches of the story, and my mind was exploring about three story arcs at once X:S
However, I'm going to share the 616 (approx) words I wrote so I can a) let it go as it is and come back to it later, and b) Let you read something a little more dark from the story I have so far :)
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The gaoler crumpled to the ground, unconscious. Taking her chance, Iowan began to run down the corridor, but her legs were sluggish and heavy. They felt like a foreign entity and the thought occurred to Iowan that maybe she was too weak to pull this off. Panic rose in her throat making it hard to breathe and then promptly became blind fear. Without seeing them, Iowan felt the presence of a pursuer, like a menacing shadow snapping at her heels. Willing her legs to work, Iowan pushed on towards the wooden door that sat ajar only meters away. She had no weapons, no idea of the number of guards and only a vague idea of her surroundings, but somewhere beyond that door was freedom. Almost as if her thoughts (manifested themselves,) Iowan was at the door and through the opening without even being aware of covering the last metre of corridor. With no regard for the amount of noise it caused, Iowan slammed the door shut behind her and barred it. She never saw her pursuer but wasn’t about to risk hanging around for proof of their existence. She had to keep moving, freedom was within her reach.
The small room she had ended up in was dim, the only source of light coming from the opening at the top of the stairs. Positive she was almost free, Iowan took the steps two at a time, but had to stop abruptly at the top when a bright light blinded her. Blinking rapidly, Iowan took a few tentative steps forward and felt the movement of air around her. She had to be outside, but her vision was still suffering under the effects of what could only be sunlight, though she couldn’t feel its heat. Without warning, her vision cleared and she found herself standing in a brightly lit courtyard. It was surrounded by stone walls on three sides, two belonging to a single large building and the third to a separate structure. A set of wide steps lead away on her right, but Iowan couldn’t see far enough to know where it led.
But she didn’t need to see.
Beyond those steps was a wide path leading past the training hall towards the Archery range, and after that......
Recognition gripped Iowan, and at the same moment the world around her shattered.
Iowan’s eyes flew open and her vision flooded with darkness. She sat up and felt the prickle of hay beneath her and the coarseness of the blanket that lay bunched up over her legs. The smell of urine and unwashed flesh assailed her nose, and it was then that Iowan remembered where she was. Her cell felt smaller now than it did when she was returned to it earlier that evening, but nothing else had changed. Tears left cool trails down her cheeks as Iowan mourned the loss of a freedom that never existed, but that had felt so real.
After her initial distress had ebbed, Iowan remembered the conversation she’d had with another captive. The woman, who called herself Sari, had warned Iowan about the ‘other torture’ their slave masters used, but Iowan couldn’t be sure the woman’s ramblings were trustworthy. Sari’s mind seemed to have buckled under the weight of years of repeated punishment. What else could the Interrogators possibly be using to break their captives that had people looking over their shoulders even in the confines of their own cell?
Iowan shuddered, as she wondered if more harm was being done to her than she realised. Deeply paranoid, she got up from the hay stuffed mattress and started pacing the width of the cell, refusing to allow herself to fall back to sleep.
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Can I also ask, for anyone who reads this and has the time, for feedback on my tense please? Generally I'm all over the shop, but I have a hard time picking it up/fixing it in my own work, so often it ends up being a grammatical nightmare. (Sorry to all those editors reading this!!)
I'm not brilliant at picking up tense changes myself; inconsistency there is what my own writing suffers from most. But, I've read this through a couple of times and it looks like it's all correctly in past tense.
It's also far more articulate than you seem to think. You captured the illusion of freedom after being chased perfectly, and I could sense Iowan's desolation when she realised it wasn't real!
I know what you mean though about having an image in your mind and just not quite being able to get it down on paper. That seems to be happening to me constantly! Nonetheless, I thought it was a powerful scene. Thanks for sharing.
Wanderer Ward
12 years ago
Wanderer Ward
Dreamscape Artist
I agree with Darga, the tense here seems to be consistently past. I like it Ari! It seems so different thematically from the other snippet/s of your story that I've read. I hope your dad continues healing and you continue getting words down! :D
Mystic Ward
12 years ago
Mystic Ward
Twentyfamilies Gypsy
I can't see any probs either, except that you might want to change some of the Iowan's to she.
Nope, no problems and it flows very well. Definitely get the rush of all the movement. I don't really find a problem with the number of times you have use Iowan's name either--but those kind of things are always a kind of personal preference. No confusion as to who the shes are referring to though so that's the main thing.
Mystic Guilden
11 years ago
Mystic Guilden
Mage
I prefer winter and fall, when you feel the bone structure of the landscape - the loneliness of it, the dead feeling of winter. Something waits beneath it, the whole story doesn't show. ~Andrew Wyeth
I intend to try and find that story, the one locked in the many twisting recesses of my mind......starting tomorrow of course :)
[act]Crosses fingers for a productive OberNoWriWin[/act]
Wanderer Ward
11 years ago
Wanderer Ward
Dreamscape Artist
How'd the first two days go Ari? :P
Mystic Guilden
11 years ago
Mystic Guilden
Mage
Ah, not so good. I did make some notes, but it was for a completely different story that I refuse to actually write :P So no real progress made. Still, 2 days down, 59 more to go :P
Why do you refuse to actually write that particular story, Ari? Just out of curiosity--and good luck with the rest of the week then :P
Mystic Guilden
11 years ago
Mystic Guilden
Mage
It will probably sound strange, but....I feel that the story in my head is far bigger than I can write. I honestly don't know where to begin, even though a nameless, formless heroine keeps scratching at my mind. I know (though I haven't actually tried) that I won't be happy with anything I pen for this particular story, and I refuse to let myself be enraged when I do fall short of my expectations. I guess long explanation short, I'm preserving my energy for my Faction Story, which I actually do have a grasp on :)
Mystic Guilden
11 years ago
Mystic Guilden
Mage
For some reason I don't quite grasp, the site wont let me post up my word count and the snippet for my start of OberNo winter edition :( So I'm going to stop trying to make it post before I blow a fuse, get some sleep and attempt again tomorrow.
Although....maybe that's the webs way of telling me how bad my snippet is...?? ~:|
Ha ha, I really don't think so :). All your snippets have been wonderful, so far. I wonder if you have one of those word combinations in your snippet which the websitte thinks is a database command? I remember earlier in the year, someone tried to post something with a combination like that and the site refused. If it doesn't work, try posting paragraph by paragraph until it stops working, to try to track it down.
Anyway, well done getting some work done already! And with that big story of yours, just give it time. I bet the plot will percolate around there in your head over the next few months/years, and there will come a point when it will become clear enough for you to write.
Wanderer Ward
11 years ago
Wanderer Ward
Dreamscape Artist
Maybe the more notes you write for it, the more comfortable you'll feel with it and you'll feel more capable of writing something so epic :)
Are you going to be working on the same story this winter that you worked on during summer?
Yay! I love your Faction story. I'm hanging out for an Iowan romance :)
Mystic Guilden
11 years ago
Tue Jun 05 2012, 09:46pm
Mystic Guilden
Mage
Opening count for my winter writing = 492 words of the story, 400 words of the scene setting and plan.
I'm going to share what I wrote (which isn't much, but took a fair amount of coaxing out) because I think this is the first snippet following Arella and not Iowan. Unfortunately, being so short, you don't get a good idea of who Arella is, or should I say, is portraying, but it's still her story :)
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It suddenly dawned on Elira that there were far too many people in the room.
From her place on the steps, Elira could make out the Imperial Guards spread throughout the hall. More specifically, she noticed Caelan watching the room from his position near the door. It gave her small comfort knowing he was nearby, but the worry gnawing at her insides was becoming more forceful. If she didn’t play this right, if she missed even the smallest detail, the beautiful young woman seated only a few steps away could end up dead.
“What have you got your sights on?â€
Elira turned to find Jasmine on the step behind her and immediately doubted anyone could have possibly missed the young woman’s entrance. Jasmine’s dress alone commanded absolute attention, never mind the personality of its wearer.
A cherry red satin bodice, adorned with black lace at its centre, exaggerated all the right curves of her body. More bright satin spilled out from beneath the bodice to form a full bodied dress. Layering gave the dress a breadth that only complimented Jasmine's form. Black lace and delicate embroidery covered much of the layering and perfectly matched the long sleeves. The dress itself was quite stunning and could have performed well on its own, but that was Elira’s taste, not Jasmine’s. Blond curls had been piled atop her head and pinned in place, except a small spill of golden hair left to fall just behind her shoulder. Diamonds adorned Jasmine’s neck and fell from her ears in heavy strands, catching the light as she moved.
Elira had to admit, it was rather breathtaking.
“I was admiring the beauty of the room, but it seems to pale in significance to your beauty this evening. What an absolutely stunning figure you make!â€
Jasmine gave a breathy laugh and waved away the compliment, but Elira knew it was the compliment the dress was designed to procure.
“And how well you look Elira. It is unfortunate that the design is rather out of style, but the colours suit you well.â€
Elira took it for the back handed compliment it was and simply smiled in return. It was clear that Jasmine’s voice had the icy edge of jealousy in it, but Elira had more pressing matters than dress envy. Pretending to admire the room again, Elira sought out Caelan and was surprised to see another guard in his place by the door. Even out of uniform, it was hard to miss a guard on duty in this palace.
“I suppose I must do my duty and present myself to my cousin. After that is done with we shall find a drink and find ourselves an intrigue.â€
At those words Elira had to stifle a fit of nervous laughter. If only Jasmine knew how close to a conspiracy she actually was. There most certainly was an intrigue, and Elira would either discover it, or watch her failure allow someone to die.
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Just in case anyone is confused at this point, Elira is Arella (think the pronunciation of Arella spelt backwards....which was actually a coincidence by the way) but as you may have guessed already, Arella has assumed another identity for a specific purpose which the above is part of :)
Oh, and sorry about putting find twice in Jasmine's last line. It seems 'fetch' was the word that prevented this snippet being posted up last night :-/
Fascinating, please do share more. I have not read any of these before, but they are amazing. :)
Very intriguing, Ari. I'm very interested to know what role Arella has to play. Very nice description of Jasmine, too - is there any depth to her beneath her fluff.
A couple of tiny typos
- 'but it seems to pail in significance' - 'pail' to 'pale'. I'd not heard the phrase "pale in significance" before; I've seen the more common "pale into insignificance", but your version is an interesting variant.
- 'but the colours suite' - 'suite' to 'suit'
Post more!! :)
Mystic Ward
11 years ago
Mystic Ward
Twentyfamilies Gypsy
love it Ari. Am waiting with bated breath to find out what happens next.
Mystic Guilden
11 years ago
Tue Jun 05 2012, 09:55pm
Mystic Guilden
Mage
Thanks for picking up those errors Darga. I make the same ones all the time, and quite often now don't even realise when I re-read. They will be fixed this afternoon when I get home :)
Still glad you lovely people like reading my snippets :)
What made you decide to refer to Arella as Elira through the narrative as well, just out of interest? Are readers actually meant to be aware that Arella is Elira at this point, or is it just a way to make it obvious that she is working under a pseudonym?
Anyway, I really like the terse interaction between Jasmine and Elira.
I think you googled the same things I did yesterday, Ari, about that phrase. Those quotes you put there are very familiar! It will be interesting to see what others think.